Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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