I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize