there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
