is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
