i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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