It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
