1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
