i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
