Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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