Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
