I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
