Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize