Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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