In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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