he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
