I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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