Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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