Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
