The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
