So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
