Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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