What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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