he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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