I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
