walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
