Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
