I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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