There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
