I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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