you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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