you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
