clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
