Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
