I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
