I wish I could teleport
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
