just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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