I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize