Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You did what with his pubic hair?
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