the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
