All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
