Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
