i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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