Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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