The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
