imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
