How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
