The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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