If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
