i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
