Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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