whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
