I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
