Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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