I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
my liver is dry heaving
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
