I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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