she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
