im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Lo siento on account of my penis...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
