meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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