i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
