K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
