You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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